If you have functioning ears, you have no doubt heard Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass”. If you have functioning general human emotions, you can no doubt resist that beat. Or that chorus (if that’s what you want to call it). I’ll admit it. I turn up the volume when that song comes on. I stop scanning through stations when I hear it. Then, I spend the rest of the day singing “I’m bringing booty baaaaaaack” (which is funny because I have zero butt but that’s a story for another time…). It’s catchy. I can’t deny that.
Here’s the thing, though. It’s a terrible song message-wise that thinks it’s a girl power anthem. But, you’re like, “Why, MIB?! She’s encouraging America’s youth to embrace their looks and feel good about themselves!” Wrong. You are wrong. I love you but you are wrong. And I will tell you why you’re wrong in an in-your-face line-by-line fashion.
The song begins with the “chorus” where it repeats “I’m all about that bass, no treble” a billion times. I have nothing to say regarding the “chorus” because I have no idea what it means. Is it just a straight up musical shout out to the bass line? Why is she hating on treble? I don’t know the answer to these questions so moving along…
The first verse:
Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I’m supposed to do
‘Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places
First, it’s not really that clear that she’s not a size two. When I first heard the song, I pictured an Adele sized lady but, upon watching the video, she’s not tiny but she’s not huge which makes my issues with the song even more uh, issue-y. Then, she says she can “shake it, shake” like she’s “supposed to do” which, aside from weird sentence structure, is a problem for me because, as women, we are not “supposed” to shake anything. We shake if we want to. Not because we’re “supposed to do”. #illshakeifiwantto
Oh, also, personal preference here but I hate referring to body mass as “junk”. Yuuuuuccckkk.
I see the magazine workin’ that Photoshop
We know that sh:t ain’t real
C’mon now, make it stop
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise ‘em up
‘Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top
I have no problems with this. Carry on.
Take it to the bridge:
Yeah, my mama she told me don’t worry about your size
She says, “Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.”
You know I won’t be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll
So if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and move along
No. Nooooooooooo. I actually will tell Princess Lady Baby not to worry about her numerical clothing size. Bodies are different. Some people naturally have hips, some do not. I’ll even tell her not to worry about her numerical weight. People hold and carry weight differently and it’s fine and wonderful and great. What I will tell my sweet perfect angel princess is that as long as you are active, healthy and eating well, your exact weight and clothing size shouldn’t and won’t be an issue. Health is the priority. And I’d like to think that’s what Meghan Trainor’s mother was trying to communicate but the next line betrays her. Apparently, booty is the priority. Boys like a little more booty?! ARE YOU JOKING?! Yeah. Here’s me and my daughter:
“Hey, precious innocent rainbow sunshine angel girl. Don’t worry about your body. Boys want a little more butt to grab onto anyway. And that’s what’s important to me. How much boys like grabbing your butt.”
“Thanks, mom. You always have my best interest in mind. You’re a great mom.”
“I know, honey. Now, go shake it like you’re supposed to do.”
Also, what about the girls that are naturally super slim? Do boys not like them? Should all the skinny girls go on cheeseburger binges (mmm, cheeseburgers…)? Again, the priority is health. Not size. Or booty for night-holding.
Even Grumpy Cat knows.
*Insert more repetitive unrelated weirdo chorus here*
And now, the second verse:
I’m bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny b:tches that
No I’m just playing. I know you think you’re fat
But I’m here to tell ya
Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top
Look. I realize there are relatively thin and healthy women that want to be thinner and think they’re fat. Totally. I look back at pictures of me a few years ago when I was working out 4 times a week yet thought I was fat and I want to punch myself. But, there are many women that are just naturally super skinny and know it. And just because they are very thin and do not want to be any thinner doesn’t mean they don’t have body image issues. Though we mostly hear about women wanting to be thinner, there are many women that wish they could put on a little weight. It’s a real thing. Referring to them as “skinny b:tches” and saying you “know” they think they’re fat is demeaning and rude.
But, thanks for ending that misinformation party with the last line. Nice effort.
For all the “skinny b:tches”. Just kidding. That’s mine.
End with more bridge and chorus.
In conclusion, you suck at encouraging women, Meghan Trainor, but I fully intend on searching for your song when we get in the car this afternoon. But, I’ll have you know I’ll be disagreeing with you in my heart the whole time!
See the video here!
I’m sure I’m on page 897 so please vote. Or don’t. Whatever.