Listen. We all fit into one (or eight) of the categories. Acceptance is the first step.
1) The Proud Mom
“My five week old little Princess Rainbowsparkle just walked across the room! Trust me. I’d MUCH rather have her meet her milestones at the significantly slower rate of her peers but she’s a go-getter just like her mommy! #oneproudmama #princessrainbowsparkle #fiveweeksold #advanced #harvardherewecome”
Be serious. If you’re a mom (or dad or aunt or grandma or creepy distant relative), you’ve posted a baby brag or 12 at one point or another. I have! (Although, I stopped having things to brag about after Monkey learned how to walk. #underachievers #teamnomilestones) But, let’s get even more serious. Before you post that picture of your four month old squatting on/falling into the potty, ask yourself a few questions;
- “Is anyone going to see this picture on their news feed and say, ‘Yes! YES! I am so glad he/she/it/they posted this picture! I needed this!”
- “Would I post a picture of myself taking a big ol’ steamy dump on Facebook?”
No? Well, okay, then.
2) He Who Must Not Name Names
“Some people just don’t know the meaning of friendship. You know who you are and you know what you did and, from now on, Imma do me. #notimeforhaters #shakeitoff”
Let’s talk about this one. What’s the goal, here? What’s your end game? Obviously, you want the “you know who you are” person to see your nameless rant so that they may be virtually cut (hopefully not actually cut. No cutting.), right? Or is it to get everyone fishing for more details while pretending to offer condolences? Because, honesty time. As soon as I see a vague Facebook post, it could be about literal, actual nothing, I get a deep and burning pain in the social media file in my brain until I have all the details. I NEED ANSWERS, YOU FACEBOOK VOLDEMORT.
3) Facebook Vigilante
Oh, thank the good Lord above for sending us the Facebook Vigilantes of the world! Saving humanity one offensive Facebook debate at a time! Count on these social media super heroes every time there is a controversial bill being proposed, racial tension, national tragedy, large weather system or breaking celebrity news. On slow news days, you may even see them get down and dirty over things all you common non-vigilante drones would consider “not important” or “certainly not something to get worked up over” or “stupid”. But, that’s on you! Because justice doesn’t rest! Especially not on Facebook! Would you ask Batman to let the Joker Glasgow-smile everyone willy nilly? Would you accept Spider Man simply working hard at the Daily Bugle while the Lizard goes ham on the people of NYC? Would you allow Superman to stop…uh…superman-ing? Nope. NOPE. Let these powerhouses serve the people with their (often bitter) rants without judgment (and annoyance) from you!
4) The No Show
Why are you even on Facebook, bro? You don’t post anything. You don’t comment on anything. You don’t respond to anything. I sent you an invite like, 30 years ago and, look at that, no response! Now, I’m gonna have to pick up my phone and email you the invitation because Lord knows I’m not even trying to actually call you (or anyone, ever). And, let me tell you, that better garner a response because, if it doesn’t, I gotsta haul my act all the way over to the mailbox to physically MAIL you an invitation. That’s like, paper, pens, envelopes, stamps, FINDING YOUR ADDRESS. No. You know what? Nevermind. You’re not invited.
Disclaimer: My husband is a serial No Show. He sucks at social media real bad. The only reason he gets invited to things is because he lives with a social media addict. And the only reason he still has Facebook is because he can’t figure out how to delete it.
5) The Sales(wo)man
But, also, #cantstop #wontstop.
Errbody selling something. If this bothers you, you may just need to move the freak on in your social media journey. I say this not as one with a home business but as one that just knows this is life, bro. This is where we are right now. If the seller is a good friend, give their posts a like or two here and there. If the seller is a “friend” you haven’t seen or spoken to in 15 years and they post about their business more than E!Online posts about Kimye, maybe just hide them from your feed. No harm, no foul.
But, to the sellers, maybe just try to be a real human some. It’d probably be in your best interest to keep some friends, right? Don’t walk on virtual eggshells but don’t post like you’re in a race to see who can be hidden from the most news feeds, K?
6) Great Grandma NoTact
You post a mild picture of a tame night out with your friends. Anticipated comments range from “How cute!” to “Aw, so fun!” Great Uncle Todd hops on your pic and says, “Pretty. Great Aunt Linda and I have divorced and she won’t be there for Christmas this year. Love you.”
Why are you telling me this on Facebook and why specifically on this picture? No, really. I want to know your train of thought as you saw me and my girls at the Olive Garden and how that led to a Linda-less Christmas. Tell me. Also, sorry about Linda.
7) The Parenting Encyclopedia of Rightness
Before you post that news article on carseats, babywearing, vaccines, breastfeeding, formula feeding, sleeping arrangements, sleeping habits, toddler feeding, ANYTHING, think for a minute. When you got the undeniable itch to post this, did you have a certain person in mind? If you did, just tell them. And did you feel indignant when you read it? If so, DELETE. RUN. COME BACK WHEN YOU CALM DOWN. Are there people you care about that may have their feelings hurt by your posting? If you think there may be, talk to them first.
And if the link you’re about to link is a blog post, NO. (Unless it’s funny, of course.)
8) The Quiz Lover
“I got Ariel in the ‘Which Disney Princess Would Be Your Evil Twin’s Foster Child in a Disney/Real Life Bizarro World Mash Up’ Quiz! Who is yours?!”
Admittedly, I’m a sucker for a good Buzzfeed quiz. Well, and a bad one, too. Okay. I’ll take literally any internet quiz. Well, maybe not any. I’ve seen some real mind bombs out there and I’m not interested, sir. But, if we’re being real, I’ve taken the Which Inanimate Object Are You quiz. Yeah. (Hanger, btw.)
But, some of y’all are running up on Facebook posting every result from every quiz in Christendom. Is there a prize for posting your results that I’m missing out on? Do you get Farmville points or something? Do people still play Farmville? I don’t know. I hid all the Farmville people. #itsnotyou #itsfarmville
So, who are YOU?! Post your results for Farmville points!