Many people can’t on Monday’s. In fact, I’d bet a big fat George Washington (a quarter, not a dollar, and that’s only if I can find one under this cushion I’m sitting on), that Monday is number one of the list “Days That Simply Cannot Be Even-ed”. And, if I’m being quite and painfully honest, (which is my curse on this earth), it’s nearly 5pm and I haven’t been able to Even all day. I have tried to Even several times and in various ways to no avail. My attempts at Even-ing have been more of a crash-and-burn than Heidi Montag’s music career (who, you ask? EXACTLY.). But, I’m a grown up, now, AND a mom. And I don’t actually have the luxury of just not Even-ing for a whole day. An hour? Yeah. The length of time it takes to watch four back-to-back episodes of Gossip Girl on Netflix? Possibly, under the right conditions. But, a whole day? Wake up and smell the familial demands, lady, because you’ve got Evens to Even! So, in an attempt to get it together, here is my call to arms; a list of five reasons to “Even”, today.
- Ants and Stink Bugs. What. Yes, that’s right. Despite my meticulous sweeping, mopping, and bleach assaults, our home is suddenly and overwhelmingly infested with ants and stink bugs. Again. Ants are obviously annoying but I’ve come so accustomed to them being EVERYWHERE that I don’t care too much about them; except for when their creepily organized and clearly defined roadways disturb the pristine whiteness of my white tile kitchen floor. I don’t like it. And the stink bugs-help me, Father-are DEMONS. They smell like rotting diapers in a hot car and like putrid cilantro. HOW CAN THEY MAKE TWO SEPARATE AND HORRIBLE SMELLS. And they sound like miniature poltergeist-powered helicopters when they fly. BUT! BUT, they aren’t fleas. Which we’ve done before and-DEAR LORD-I will take almost anything over fleas. So, because we do not have fleas, I will choose to Even.
- State of Weather Clickbait Hysteria. *Eyes rolling clean out of my head, down the street, hopping on a plane and landing at your front door.* So, our Governor declared a State of Emergency for a hurricane that never came anywhere near our state. It’s good to be prepared. I get it. But, it’s also good to not be hysterical alarmists. “Our models show Hurricane Joaquin heading 875 million miles per hour, directly to your bedroom window, and snatching your people up. If you don’t buy 9,000 gallons of water, rub a purple rabbit’s foot 3 times in a counter-clockwise motion, and share that Facebook chain letter your grandma posted, we’re all going to die. Oh, and minor detail: the European and far more accurate model shows it missing us entirely and completely but STILL. STILL.” Go ahead and put Joaquin in your “win” column, European model forecasters. So, while that hysteria is super annoying, our state was not struck with a pretty intense hurricane, and, for that, I will Even.
3. Out Came the Sun and Dried Up All the Rain. After 1000 years of rain (okay, like, 5 days), the sun showed his glorious and radiant face, today. Rain is wonderful until it floods your yards and roads and drains the vitamin d straight out of your body like a kid at those fancypants Coke machines with a thousand types of soda and a million flavored syrups to add. Another great thing about the rain shutting it’s big, fat mouth; my bangs won’t curl and poof all on their own which means I won’t be sporting the ever chic and flattering “Third Grader on Picture Day” look. Always a reason to Even.4. I Exercised Today. I have no idea how it happened. It’s like my body was independent of my brain and emotions. But, it somehow wiggled itself into workout clothes and did work for a whole hour. My feelings were crying out, with fervor and without ceasing, to be eaten but, by some mysterious force, I exercised and have yet to eat a feeling. Which is reason to celebrate (and, perhaps “Even”) because there are, at the very least, 2,641 feelings begging to be eaten. I have overcome 2,641 cries for doughnuts and chips. I think we can all Even over this victory.
5. #yolo. (Yes. I did that.) I’m not really the “You better eat that because there are starving children in Africa” line of reasoning kind of girl, and “YOLO” is only ever a joke in this house but, I feel like it kind of applies in a non-mocking way, today. There are 52 Mondays a year (probably, right?). If I couldn’t Even for 52 days of the year just by default for the simple fact that those 52 days are Mondays, what kind of life would I be living? And there I’d have to add all the other random days of the year that I couldn’t Even, for the many and various reason that take away my ability to Even, I’d be left with, like, what? 12 days of Even-ing? Maybe? Can’t nobody live like that. I have to make a choice, and I choose to Even.Now, never mind the fact that no one has napped, everyone is angry and the feelings that are begging to be eaten are getting a little loud and violent with their demands. Nah. Forget that and keep your head high, you Monday Masters. Find your reasons to Even, today, and shout it from the rooftops. (Or, like, type in the comments. Whatever’s easier.)