Ten Things That Will Get You Killed When Said to a Pregnant Woman

As I may have mentioned, I’m pregnant. This is our third baby and sadly, I have to say, some of the pregnancy magic has worn off. With the boys, I was a rainbow sunshine angel fairy glittercorn (glitter princess/unicorn hybrid) but with this baby, I’m just an ogre. A big, teary, angry, zit-covered ogre. It didn’t bother me when people would say the cliched stupid things people say to pregnant women. Now, if someone says any of the following, I will eat them.

1) “*Insert any number greater than one*? Really? So, exactly how many do you plan on having?”

What number will annoy you the most? Because that number.

2) “You already have a boy. You need a girl, now.”

I need one? Let’s define need. I need oxygen. I need water. I need a cheeseburger. You need to shut your face.

3) “Another girl, huh? Well, I guess you’ll just have to keep trying for that boy!”

Actually, what I’m going to do is keep trying to restrain myself from punching you. Let me get my baby gender science kit out and read the instructions again because, obviously, we’re doing something wrong here.

4) “Oh, it’s a boy for sure. Look how out-in-front you’re carrying.”

Nope. That’s just the baby trying to slap you from the womb. Reach a little farther, baby of unknown gender.

5) “Hmm. That’s an interesting name.”

Interesting. You may as well say butt-hideous. Fortunately, I don’t care.

6) “Your skin is too broken out for you to be having a girl.”

I actually heard this one with Monkey. Turns out she was right. I hate that.

7) “Wow! You’re huge!”

And you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth. At least my problem will go away in a few months.

8) “I sure hope you’re going to breast feed. That’s your only hope to lose all that weight.”

This is a real life quote, as well. We promptly switched doctors. I couldn’t be caught up in physical assault case while pregnant.

9) “Get your rest now because once that baby comes, you’ll never sleep again!”

Thanks. I’m going to go cry in a dark hole, now.

10) “You know you really shouldn’t be eating that.”

Actually, I should be eating any and everything so silence yourself before I eat you.

 

There you have it. Fair warning. There is most definitely a pregnant ogre on the loose.

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35 thoughts on “Ten Things That Will Get You Killed When Said to a Pregnant Woman

  1. Yes to all of this, but especially #2. If my second child (due in two weeks) is a girl, neat. Boy? Also neat. I’m not looking for a matched set. I don’t understand the fascination with a mixed set. Neither, it seems, do the people advocating for them.

    I want two kids I can enjoy as people, not two little people to live out my ideas of gender. Oy.

  2. haha this was the best. When I was a pregnant a lady from my church said “Come here,” twirled me around and squeezed my BUTT twice and said “you’re having boys.” And she was right. #peoplearecrazy

      • hahaha I know I thought the same thing!! I’m Puerto Rican and in our culture we are super touchy feely, however.. butt grabbing a pregnant lady just took it to a whole different level. Interesting times!

  3. It always shocked me at how just about everyone feels able to say things to a pregnant woman that they would never dream of saying to anyone else. Especially the weight thing when we already feel huge. It’s all open season. Great post.

  4. I was IN LABOR waiting to go into the triage and a skinny, young pregnant girl (who thought she was in labor but was not because she was awfully talkative) said that I was huge and asked if I was sure I was not having twins. My husband literally squeezed my hand and said, “steady….” I actually have more grace for stupid comments from men…women should know better!

  5. I love when people tell me I need a boy now (due in two weeks with another girl). Oh okay, well are you going to pay for that child? Because we decided we are only having two no matter what the gender. I mean, we will gladly continue pro-creating because our first is so bada$$ but unless we win the lotto or someone else pays for our children it ain’t happening!

  6. “I sure hope you’re going to breast feed. That’s your only hope to lose all that weight.”

    I cannot believe someone said this to you. At what point does pregnancy translate into “please insult me to my face”!? This isn’t an acceptable thing to say to anyone, and anyone would want to punch them, with or without the hormones!

    • My doctor was the one who said that. He was a big turd hole. Didn’t have a word to say about my weight until 30 weeks in. In fact, I’m gonna go find him and hit him. Be right back…

      • A doctor?! Holy smokes that’s poor form. My midwife hasn’t weighed me since day one… I’m afraid she might have something to say to me. Albeit with a more euphemistic spin to it.

  7. Ha ha, I love it. This kind of stuff annoyed me first and second time round. I think it’s enough to put me off having a third! Either that, or have a third and buy some really good ear plugs. Good luck getting through the pregnancy without killing anyone:-)

  8. when we found out we were pregnant with my second son i got the “oh your having another baby?” i just wanted to be like no i just shove a pillow in my top and walk around crying for fun

  9. Brilliant and so true… I had complete strangers coming up to me and saying: ‘Can I touch you bump?’ As they were touching my bump… Why is it when you’re pregnant, apparently any form of decency goes out of the window? Great post, made me smile.

  10. i completely agree with all of the above. my husband and i have four boys and the most annoying comments for me were wow when are you going to stop and 4 boys you should just give up you arent gonna have that girl you want i felt like poking every one in the eye when i heard those comments. if you have time you should check out my blog mommyx4boys.wordpress.com

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