The fine folks at Smile Brilliant sent me this kit of teeth whitening deliciousness to review and host a giveaway (they must have gotten wind of my coffee, tea and soda bingeing).
I’m sure they were hoping for a sweet paragraph something along the lines of
“From the moment the whitening paste touched my teeth, I have been living in a state of pearly white bliss. The LED light transformed my haggard yellow homeless man teeth into a toothpaste commercial and I am eternally grateful. My life has changed and I will never be the same.”
Wouldn’t that be nice.
While my testimony isn’t the exact opposite of this fairy tale, it is a little more colorful. Here’s reality:
“For the love of all that is sane in this life, DO NOT use this product while your children are conscious. If that simply cannot be avoided, ONLY commence the whitening process once you have gone into a long, detailed and painfully descriptive account of what’s about to happen. Otherwise, you will spend AT LEAST 20 minutes grunting ‘SHUT UP!’ as your children beg for you to take ‘that monster flashlight’ out of your mouth. Also, certainly do not use in front of anyone you want to impress or really just other humans in general because you will be drooling like a teething toddler. Other than that, two thumbs up!”
But, seriously. The whitening product is great. It’s my kids that are a little too awesome while I’m making use of the product that’s the problem. I failed to explain what I was doing and they failed to silence themselves for a solid 2o minutes. “Mom! What are you doing? MOM! Answer me! MOM!! YOU’RE A MONSTER!!”
Since I was covered in whitening paste, biting a mouthguard and shining an LED light into my mouth, I couldn’t really say much. Instead, we played a rousing game of kick-your-slippers-gently-down-the-hall-toward-your-child’s-face. They could not have been happier dodging my pink cheetah print slippers and I could not have been happier not hearing “Mom, why are you a monster?” every five seconds (apparently, shining a blue light onto your teeth is very monster-like).
And now it’s your turn to drool and throw slippers at your kids! Sign up to win! The winner will be announced in one week.
PS: Monkey just saw this picture and said, “I was scared of that blue thing in your mouth. Then, you threw slippers at me and it was funny.” This is real life, y’all.