As I may have mentioned, I’m pregnant. This is our third baby and sadly, I have to say, some of the pregnancy magic has worn off. With the boys, I was a rainbow sunshine angel fairy glittercorn (glitter princess/unicorn hybrid) but with this baby, I’m just an ogre. A big, teary, angry, zit-covered ogre. It didn’t bother me when people would say the cliched stupid things people say to pregnant women. Now, if someone says any of the following, I will eat them.
1) “*Insert any number greater than one*? Really? So, exactly how many do you plan on having?”
What number will annoy you the most? Because that number.
2) “You already have a boy. You need a girl, now.”
I need one? Let’s define need. I need oxygen. I need water. I need a cheeseburger. You need to shut your face.
3) “Another girl, huh? Well, I guess you’ll just have to keep trying for that boy!”
Actually, what I’m going to do is keep trying to restrain myself from punching you. Let me get my baby gender science kit out and read the instructions again because, obviously, we’re doing something wrong here.
4) “Oh, it’s a boy for sure. Look how out-in-front you’re carrying.”
Nope. That’s just the baby trying to slap you from the womb. Reach a little farther, baby of unknown gender.
5) “Hmm. That’s an interesting name.”
Interesting. You may as well say butt-hideous. Fortunately, I don’t care.
6) “Your skin is too broken out for you to be having a girl.”
I actually heard this one with Monkey. Turns out she was right. I hate that.
7) “Wow! You’re huge!”
And you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth. At least my problem will go away in a few months.
8) “I sure hope you’re going to breast feed. That’s your only hope to lose all that weight.”
This is a real life quote, as well. We promptly switched doctors. I couldn’t be caught up in physical assault case while pregnant.
9) “Get your rest now because once that baby comes, you’ll never sleep again!”
Thanks. I’m going to go cry in a dark hole, now.
10) “You know you really shouldn’t be eating that.”
Actually, I should be eating any and everything so silence yourself before I eat you.
There you have it. Fair warning. There is most definitely a pregnant ogre on the loose.