Hey, guys. What’s going on, here? I’m seeing a whole lot of V-Day hate out in the Interwebz (“Interwebz” just reminded me that my phone now recognizes “fugz” as a word. I love myself.) and I just don’t understand. I mean, you’re mad because you feel like you don’t have “that special someone” (whatever that even means) or maybe your special someone just sucks at being romantic. I don’t know. Perhaps it’s that you have some kind of weird bitterness toward Hallmark and/or Russell Stover as business entities and refuse to aid in their success. Or maybe the last Nicholas Sparks movie you watched gave you the voms for days and you associate romantic love with excessive vomiting (ps: was it The Last Song? Because it had to be The Last Song. Lord KNOWS it wasn’t The Notebook. If you don’t love The Notebook, you have cigarette ashes and dog poop for a heart.). But, like I said, I don’t know.
Here’s what I do know, though. I know that just like Christmas and Cinco de Mayo, Valentine’s Day has feelings and you are hurting them. I’m here to help you help V-Day have a better year. Here are some steps you can take to learn to love Valentine’s Day:
1) I’m dead serious. Go to a grocery store or drugstore around 5pm on Valentine’s Day. All of the remaining boxes of chocolate will be on sale. Buy that shizz up like it’ll be used as currency in the next year. Then, binge on an array of chocolatey delights. Emotional eating: check! I do this and my husband has already given me a giant box of chocolates. Last year, he bought me two. Chocolate covers a multitude of sins. Especially when the chocolate is filled with nuts and caramel. Not fruit, though. That stuff is Yucktown, USA.
2) Order pizza. If you have nothing and no one, order pizza, breadsticks and mozzarella sticks if available. You might want to throw in a two-liter, too. Eat it in your pajamas while watching a funny movie. Might I suggest Mean Girls? I might.
3) While you’re out fulfilling task number one, look into your store’s bulk wine selection. Buy as much as you can afford/carry and drink as much as you can keep down. In the comfort of your home and pizza stained pajamas, of course.
4) But, seriously, folks. Make Valentine’s Day about someone other than someone you don’t have. If there are any children in your life (neighbors, students, nieces/nephews), make them something. One year, I bought up these little pink mailboxes fro the dollar section of Target, baked some heart shaped brownies and stuffed them in the mailboxes with a Valentine card for my students. They loved it and I loved doing it. It’s fun doing stuff for kids because they get excited about dirt. Seriously. I spent a grand total of $4 on my sons for Valentine’s Day tomorrow and they act as if I have granted them access into Mickey Mouse’s actual clubhouse.
5) If you have expectations of someone, either make them known or lower them. This is me with every holiday, “Just so you know, *insert holiday here* is *number ranging between 50 and 1* days away and I’m expecting *insert gift/sentiment/activity here*.” You don’t even want to know about my birthday. Let’s just say, I have a reputation of loving my birthday. My grandma calls me on my birthday and says, “I forgot it was your birthday until the marching band you hired came parading down my street. Oh! Yep! And there’s the plane flying overhead with the ‘Happy Birthday, Stephanie’ banner trailing behind!” If you are serious about your holiday wishes, tell someone that can make them happen. If not, hush your sweet face when they don’t happen. Yes. We want people to be spontaneous party planners and automatic awesome gift-giving machines but a lot of people (especially men) are not. Mr. Black (my husband) is actually great with holidays and birthdays even without being told but has definitely botched a few here and there.
6) Quit crying about how much you hate Valentine’s Day on Facebook. Joke about your pizza and boxed wine. Laugh about all the chocolate you bought yourself. Post a picture of you and “your date” (aka the pizza man). But, for St. Valentine’s sake, stop talking about how much you hate Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day has done nothing to you. If you want to direct your hate in a more deserving direction, laser beam it straight at The Last Song. That is the worst movie in the history of movies (and then, go watch The Notebook).